Sometimes I can't believe I'm a mother now.Sometimes I still think I'm still in my mother's arms,kissing her cheek before I set off to school.All those years,I never even thought I would end up being like her.Tracy,as my late father used to call it,was an accident.I didn't like it when he said that,I prfer to believe that she was a surprise.I believe in karma;there ARE no accidents.

I was 15 when I had Tracy.I was fifteen;I was just messing around.Truth is,I don't know who her father is.It could have been anybody,because I used to make love with lots of guys.Well,of course I did.I was head cheerleader.During my high school years,people jeered at me.I was a teen mom.They called me names.I felt sad,depressed,regretful,angry.But my own mother,never ever said a word against me.She used to say that this was her fault until I told her not to.I was born out of wedlock too.

I managed to graduate from high school with average results-not straight A's,but not straight D's either;just nice.But my grades weren't my father's main concern;I was an 18 year old teen mum with no man at her side.I told him that I could function very well without a man,eventhough I knew I was kidding myself.My father is a pensioner,my mother's always been a housewife.We were living on my wages from my afternoon shift at the local grocery store.And that was not enough.I needed a man,a father for my child,a husband for myself.

But who in the world would want me?I screwed up just once.God is All-Forgiving,my parents forgave me;why can't others?I realized that your past will always come back to haunt you.I felt like killing myself.But just then Tracy cried.I can't give up,I thought.For Tracy.

One day,a man came to my house and asked to meet my father.The man asked for my hand in marriage.I was of course,hit by a wave of confusion,delight and worry.My mother came into my room that night,and explained that Bill-the guy who came earlier- was a national soldier.His parents had wanted him to marry me,because then at least he would have a heir.I agreed,for at least my child would have a father.

My wedding was not how I pictured it to be.It was not roses and flowers everywhere.It was not a wedding by the beach.It was well,a simple backyard kind of thing.We said our vows in the local church,and that was it,I was married.

Moving in with Bill was hectic.He had a small apartment in the upper part of town.His apartment was crowded with philosophy books,magazines and Shakespeare.He wanted to make it tidy for me and Tracy.He kept trying to stack the books up so that he could carry them into the store room,but the books kept tumbling down.He continued doing so for an hour or so,and when he realized I had already finished unpacking six of the nine boxes with me.He just kicked all the books down and threw them into the store room.

My first night with him was somehow hilarious,I have no idea why.He slept on the left,and I slept on the right.He closed his eyes,and made snoring sounds.Which was,of course,highly pretentious,because he had just closed his eyes,and obviously he could not fall asleep that fast.I started to laugh,and he laughed too,and then he snorted.We were laughing non stop,eventhough it wasn't that funny.Tracy started to stir,and I put a finger to my lips;indicating to him that he should keep his mouth shut.Precisely at the same time,he did the same.I giggled,and he smiled.He leaned over and kissed me on the lips,and I settled myself into his arms.

Day by day,I started discovering more things about Bill,how he liked his eggs,what he did before he slept,how he wanted me to make love with him.Those small things that made our marriage so beautiful.He was a wonderful father to Tracy.Every Saturday morning,he would take Tracy out to the park and take pictures of her with the flowers.Then in the afternoon,after lunch,he'd pick up a book and read it to her.Evenings,he'd settle himself into some art and craft project with Tracy,or go swimming.On Sundays,we'd go to church.During the weekdays,he'd get up at 5.30 in the morning,bathe and have his breakfast.Which meant I had to get up earlier than him.He'd be all ready in his uniform and he'd struggle to make sure the fillings of his sandwich didn't fall onto his pants.By 6 a.m,he'd be at the door,putting on his boots.Tracy would have woken up by now,and would groggily stagger to Bill,thumb in mouth,and hug Bill hard.Bill would hug her back and kiss her on the forehead.Bill would kiss me on the cheek,and if Tracy wasn't looking he'd give me a kiss on the lips.He'd come back home at 7 p.m,tired and sleepy.He'd take his bath,change into his night clothes,and watch TV with Tracy while I finish off preparing dinner.After dinner,I'd put Tracy to sleep,and while I was doing that,Bill would already be in bed,with a book in his hands,his eyes tired,just waiting to fall asleep.Sometimes if he was up to it,he's pull me close to him and tell me about his day and I would tell him about what Tracy did,and we'd laugh at the young man next door who was dating several rich older women-all at the same time.When he was just about to sleep,he would kiss me on the forehead and told me he loved me.Then he would be asleep.

One day,Bill came home looking sad.Tracy had gone to bed early today,to much of my satisfaction,because that meant Bill and I could have some pasta with some red wine,just the two of us.But I figured to change my plans,since he didn't look tired and happy like he always did,but rather sad and worried.He kissed me on the forehead and told me he didn't want dinner.Then he went to take his bath.I cleared up,and went to my room,figuring he would tell me what was up.I changed into my nightgown and put my head on his muscular,warm chest.Then he told me.

He was to be stationed at an army base in another country.I was broken.I asked him why,and he told me that our country had become an ally to another country-a country in war.I started crying and he kissed me on the lips and whispered'When you said your vows at the church,you know that this would be part of what you signed up for.'I looked at him,confused.But deep down I knew the truth that sooner or later,this would happen.I tried my best to stop crying,and in my heart,I cursed the greedy politicians that started all these wars.I prayed that they would die.They should die,I thought.I didn't want Bill to risk his life.But then if he didn't,the whole nation would.

On the day of his departure,Bill spent a lot of time with Tracy.Before he went,I gave Bill a passionate kiss and looked into his blue eyes for one more time.He gave Tracy a kiss on the cheek,and squeezed her.Tracy was so confused,she kept asking'Daddy,where are you going?'.It was a Saturday,he and Tracy should be knocking on the door right now,just in time for me to shout at them for being so late.Tracy kissed his cheek,and I gave him one last kiss.Then he walked away,to the bus transporting the soldiers.

Three years had gone by.Every beat of my heart said a prayer for Bill.Every night I would not just pray for Bill,but for all the other men out there,risking their lives.For other mothers like me,with children.For everyone.Once every two months,I'd get a letter from Bill,telling me about the conditions at the front,how much it the army food sucked,how his friends lost their limbs right in front of him.I'd reply telling him about Tracy,about her crush,about her grades,about how the wind blew my expensive underwear away,about the young man next door and his lady friends.I love you,I'd always add at the end of my letters.He'd do the same.

A day after receiving a letter from Bill,a man in an army uniform came to my door,while I was in the kitchen making lunch.I opened the door and prayed it was not the worst.But the worst was what I got.The man handed me a letter that stated Bill's death.

Bill Edward Richardson,it said,in big letters.Lost his life in the name of his country on 23rd of January.

'But that was a month ago!' I said,to the man.
'Yes,news gets here slow,'he said,SORRY written all over his face.

Tears started to fall from my eyes,and the man walked away.Tracy,who is now fourteen,came over to me and asked me what was wrong.I handed her the letter and I saw her expression change from confusion to sorrow.She put her arms around me,and we both became a mountain of tears.

Tracy had fallen asleep crying,and I stood up and went to my bedroom,and opened the chest of drawers next to my bed.I took out the letter I got from his yesterday and reread the last part.

'..but I'm happy where I am now,Marie...I Love You.'

and those were his final words.

I closed my eyes and brought the letter close to my chest.I said a silent prayer for all the other army wives in the world.For all the children on army wives in the world.

I'll get over this.For Tracy.


-Hanis Syahira,

Labels: death, romance

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