Dearest Carla,Happy Fourteenth Birthday.I am so sorry to not be there for you,to hug you and tell you how beautiful you have become.To tell you to stay away from wandering men.I am so sorry,dearest daughter.All I can say is sorry,yet you have no idea how I feel.

Please don't think I left you willingly,Carla.For I certainly did not.I don't know what you've heard,but I was forced to leave you.That was the deal I was forced to make:six months with you and I'm off.I had to.Ever since your father's mother-bless the woman's heart- found out about my marriage to Jerry she demanded that I leave immediately.Of course,during that time,I was pregnant with you,Carla.So that was the deal.After your birth,I had six months to spend with you and I would leave.

Why didn't Jerry follow me?Simply because his mother didn't let him.Well,that's what I want to believe,anyway.Somehow I am doubting myself though.Honestly,I think he never really loved me,as much as I loved him.As much as I hate to admit it,sometimes in a relationship there is one who loves more than the other.As much as I hate to admit it,it's me.

But I'm not complaining about Jerry.I'm sort of thankful he didn't follow me.I would have done things I never thought I would.As I write to you,Carla,I'm on a train.A train!I never went in a train ever in my life,I kid you not.Simply because Jerry is disgusted by public transport!I know,being on a train isn't exactly a wonderful achievement.But it's more than that,Carla.I feel so free,so limitless.I no longer feel scared.I don't want to hide anymore.It's a whole new life for me.


The six months I had with you,were the best six months of my life.Honest.I was always so scared you'd think
I left you willingly.I was so scared you'd never know about the fight I put up to have you.I was so scared you'd think of me the wrong way.I was so scared to leave you.I kept on thinking how you'd feel every night,wondering about who I am.Maybe you not wondering at all.I was always wondering.The thing is,you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sometimes I can't forgive myself.I can't believe I left you.I can't forgive myself for not doing more.For not trying harder.For not fighting back.People say I have to forgive myself first.But I keep on feeling guilty.I think about how you are every night,Carla.If you're hurt,if you're all right.A mother's love never dies.

I am sorry,Carla.So sorry.I love you very much.Sorry I can't be there for you,I have asked Jerry to give it to you on your 14th birthday.So this is it,Carla.Remember,stay strong.Don't be like me.I don't want you to regret anything in your life.Be happy,daughter.I will always love you.

With love,
Margaret Jessel.

Labels: slice-of-life

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